Apple (AAPL) is the Chuck Norris of Stocks, No Dividend Needed

If by now someone suggests that Apple should still pay a dividend, go ahead and unfriend that person. Or remove them from a circle (Google+ users).

Here's the deal, Apple (Nasdaq: AAPL) is killing it. That's a given. This week alone Apple moved 10 percent higher, with today's level about 6.5 percent better on the week. By comparison, Microsoft pays out 80 cents per year, for a return of 2.4 percent.

Apple investors like to call that sort of return: "peanuts," or nut of the ground. It refers to where you can take that sort of paltry return and stick it.

Notably, without the recent surge in 2012 and the unusual dip in 2009, dividend-paying Microsoft has traded within a range of $22 to $28 the last 5-years, meaning your total return probably didn't outpace inflation.

Know who else doesn't pay a dividend or mull a stock split because they're "too expensive"? Warren Buffett. Admittedly, Buffett's Berkshire (NYSE: BRK-A) isn't in the same league as Apple, and Apple's Tim Cook doesn't have the sole focus of making money off of investments, but you can see where this is going.

Folks started griping about Apple's cash when it was $40 billion, then $50 billion, $60 billion, and so on. Yet, they were complaining all the way from a share price of $250, to $300, $350, $400, $500, blah, blah, blah.

Apple's earning interest on its cash, which is being invested in smart short-term holdings. It's not sitting in a pile somewhere doing nothing, because then Apple's shares would flop back to $200 (valued at $100 in cash plus a minus-$400 "dummy penalty" instilled by investors).

Oh, and there's taxes too. Dividends currently have about a 15 percent federal tax rate. By comparison, unrealized gains have a zero percent tax rate...much more favorable in the wallet and conscious.

Want a dividend? Sell one share of your Apple holdings. The return you have on that one share will amount to what Microsoft's been paying out for the entire life of its dividend program (anywhere from 20 cents to 80 cents per year over 20 years is still [let's see, carry the 1] not even close to the $200-plus gain in appreciation Apple's stock has seen over the last year).

Still not convinced? Let's turn to analysts:

• Piper Jaffray's Gene Munster - "called lines at stores "healthy" and insisted language from Apple on pre-orders was promising." Target raised from $670 to $718 this week;
  
  
• Oppenheimer today boosted its price target on the iPhone and iPad maker from $570 to $700.
  
  
• Bernstein moved its target from $600 to $710.
  
  
• Jefferies giggled and then raised its price target from $599 to $699 following a trip to Asia. That was Tuesday.

Apple is a powerhouse of a stock, delivering roundhouse kicks to earnings estimates while kissing competitors girlfriends...right in front of them. It's said Apple once had Chuck Norris over for tea once and he insisted on bringing crumpets. [Editor's note: that last rumor hasn't been confirmed and should be treated simply as speculation. Chuck Norris is still banned in 52 states and provinces, as everyone knows.]

Shares are off about 0.7 percent Friday on the launch of its next-gen tablet, The New iPad.

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